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Protein BEEFCAKE!!!

2011 March 24

Experimenting with Beefcake Bars.

Let me tell you something: I’m not on a diet.

I’m not eating weird food for 10 weeks, then going back to Panda Express and chicken pot pies.

I’m not starving myself or being deprived of what I want. I don’t eat broccoli and spinach all day and secretly crave a beefy five layer burrito.

I’m not on a diet. I changed my diet. And I love it.

When my trainer, Paisley Ann Meekin, sat down with me for the first time to talk food and nutrition, I clearly remember her saying “You get to eat all the time and it’s awesome!” I eat between five and six meals a day, about three hours apart, and it is awesome. The only time I ever crave things like Taco Bell or Panda Express is on the day of a big hangover, and if you’ve been paying close attention to this blog I’ve had a few of those (as well as Panda relapses). There must be some kind of scientific explanation.

I’m starting to get off track, because what I really wanted to blog about today was what I use for one of these five or six meals a day.


I fucking love protein bars. I’ve been having one of these almost every day recently and it’s like having a candy bar, and I think it’s good for you (I’m going to need to double check this with Paisley). It fits into that whole Glycemic index thing that’s keeping my blood-sugar level steady as I build muscle and burn fat. A protein bar can count as one of your meals/snacks.

I went to GNC today thinking I would buy an entire box of protein bars. But when I got there I was only confused by the number of options. A store employee who looked like a suaver version of Napoleon Dynamite with his crazy curly fro came over and began discussing the various bars. Some had 30 grams of protein and we gravitated to those. The Builder’s Bars I’ve been having on a frequent basis only have 20 grams.

Most of the protein bars I’ve been eating do have sugar in them, but the store employee pointed me toward a couple that have very little sugar. In their place they have something called “sugar alcohol.”

“Don’t eat more than one bar a day if it has sugar alcohol in it,” Cool Napoleon said to me with a cautioned look. “Sugar alcohol acts as a diuretic.”

“Diuretic?” I said. “You mean it will make me shit myself?”

Seriously, just be straight with me.

Macho Napoleon told me his favorite was the Detour bar with 30 grams of protein, 8 grams of fiber and only 12 grams of the kind of sugar that won’t cause you to crap during squats. He pointed me toward several options, then walked away to help a guy pick out some protein shake mix.

Several minutes later I made my way to the counter with 9 protein bars of the following brands: Detour, Pure Protein, Supreme Protein, 2:1 Protein Bar and Oh Yeah!

The only one that didn’t have sugar alcohol was the two Detour bars, which Prom King Napoleon had recommended. He laughed as he began ringing me up.

“You’re really serious about these protein bars, aren’t you?” Super Cool Napoleon said.

“This is the sampler,” I said. “I’ll come back in two weeks and a half and buy a box of the kind I like the most.”

“Don’t eat these all at once, you know,” Really Cool Napoleon said.

“Well, I was thinking about throwing them all into a blender and making one giant protein shake,” I said, returning the sarcasm.

“Go for it man,” Awesome Napoleon replied. “I’ve always wanted to meet someone who wins a Darwin award.”

Food Journal (click to view):

Thursday, May 24

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with chopped bell peppers and onions
Snack: Hard-boiled egg, three brown-rice California sushi rolls, 1/3 bell pepper
Lunch: Salad with ham and cheese (no dressing)
Snack: Detour protein bar
Dinner: Steak strips, half an apple, raw cashews

Wednesday, May 23

Breakfast: Perfect Foods Bar
Snack: Protein shake
Lunch: Tuna salad, grapes
Snack: Builder’s Bar
Dinner: Steak strips, salad with vinaigrette dressing (did not end up eating the sushi rolls)

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